If there is anything that I miss from my previous lives it has to be the time I was calm enough to notice what I am doing. Now, I am torn between thoughts of dissolution and thoughts of trying to be tied to a particular relationship and particular place. Life, as it is right now, is not good. But life, should not be easy, so there I go. There are things to explain, amends to make
Ties that are too deep, and the internal space is confusing. Annoying. Painful.
But I am making an attempt to let the thoughts clear out and for the rest I will wait. Silence or unsaid may affirm that I am doing good.
Liking: Dr. Dre
Thinking: What do you do when you do not want it?
Watching: The Blue Room
Anastasia would be at home, from the school bus, in an hour, or so. And than we would go home. The home we can go back to now is a very complicated home.
So, we can go to a Blue Slide Park and call it home. It’s a very good place where we did things before, snacks of apples and chips, slid down, pretended to hide and than we seek-ed.
She is 12 years old now, scorchingly honest, shy, pin-sharp, unflinching. With very few friends (very well defined relations as of how and who can be a friend though) And she will always do right to those few. So we went for a dinner.
I can grow from that conversation.
Steven, the attorney, called. He is helpful, knowledgeable, truthful and legally cruel. The paper-werks, the allegiances, the how-to-deal-with-the-judge and the what-consequences-accomplished…
No matter what it is, the posts and documents filed on his up-to-date internet site do not show that there is no state of the union anymore and while it all seems right, is it futile? I can admire how much work (and courage) it takes to tell someone about a divorce.
But I still can’t figure that one.
As I lay here, in the bed I set for myself empathy is often called upon,
“I would like to talk with you more often”.
“I feel sad that we talk more often about me and my mistakes than about us”.
“I was not aware to a loving person who married me, looked at me, loved me, that our marriage was not good”.
I though that was the language of empathy.
The positive things. The opportunity to learn. The wisdom to know the difference. The patience and power to grow.
As I lay here, in the bed I set for myself… : Why I wasn’t applying myself to the project of being a spouse? I thought our marriage was good and unreservedly central to our existence. I did apply myself to work, friendships, health… but in this critical thing, marriage, we did nothing, we turned away. We were not so laissez-faire in no other important thing of our lives. Let us think again over – the years of our marriage. What would a better marriage look like? An intriguing conversation every now and than? More happiness? Less fights? More intimacy? More laughter?
I am making an effort – Be Positive. It’s difficult to be told that you did wrong for years. If I knew, and that is my fault for not understanding, I could have made changes and done the work that would have fixed it. I did not do much about it. Can I handle it? I am trying.
Did we have time to think about our feelings, thoughts or options? Are we ready for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the decisions we need to make? Are we going to make agreements we will be able to sustain? Is this situation going to get better or will we trade one set of problems for another. Are we going to get tangled up in a lengthy divorce, instead of the short and easy one we wanted…? i do not know if we do know that.
a slow afternoon, morning started easily before that. Came back and enjoyed the sky. slept very well, had dreams…. smoked. a lot. in pittsburgh
this is not a picture from Lon-gone-don where I had a haircut, you had a blast, and we slept in Zrinka’s apartment, both felling good about the city that is a place to be. it”s a picture from Wheeling, WV
The serenity of the things I cannot change.
I was hungry all day at the rehab. Trying to make up with honey and fruits.
Thoughts? I do no want to think about the part where I am alone