its-burgh [09/05/2015]

IMG_1915

As I lay here, in the bed I set for myself… : Why I wasn’t applying myself to the project of being a spouse? I thought our marriage was good and unreservedly central to our existence. I did apply myself to work, friendships, health… but in this critical thing, marriage, we did nothing, we turned away. We were not so laissez-faire in no other important thing of our lives. Let us think again over – the years of our marriage. What would a better marriage look like? An intriguing conversation every now and than? More happiness? Less fights? More intimacy? More laughter?
I am making an effort – Be Positive. It’s difficult to be told that you did wrong for years. If I knew, and that is my fault for not understanding, I could have made changes and done the work that would have fixed it. I did not do much about it. Can I handle it? I am trying.
Did we have time to think about our feelings, thoughts or options? Are we ready for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the decisions we need to make? Are we going to make agreements we will be able to sustain? Is this situation going to get better or will we trade one set of problems for another. Are we going to get tangled up in a lengthy divorce, instead of the short and easy one we wanted…? i do not know if we do know that.